One day I'm gonna be free...

New LJ for fangirl purposes...

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 21:27:30 GMT

divafics.livejournal.com/

Will have new fics and stuff up soon!

~B

I just have to have a fangirl moment...

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 05:40:27 GMT

After watching tonights "Glee" I am all full of fangirl GLEE!

SQUEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Best.
Episode.
Ever.

Is it April yet?

Pre-Madness post

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 19:55:56 GMT

So tonight is the dance show. Finally.
This week have been SO CRAZY that I am just ready to get ot done and over with. The dances I'm in, the ones I am designing. This week have been so crazy starting Sunday night, that at this point, I need a break from dancing. Sunday was the worst being the most fucking rediculous rehearsal I been too and stressed me to the point that I did not enjoy it anymore.
The club is corrupt. I will full out say it. The officers are BARELY doing their jobs, and they are in it for themselves, not for the others at all. They are discrimitive towards bigger people. They told me friend who was having trouble with skirts for her dance that she should "sew two together" so it will fit the people that needed them.
Just becuase you are skinny Ms. Treasurer doesn't mean that you only serve them YOu ned to be an officer to EVERYONE.
It is so fucking rediculous and most of the club is just as stupid as them, who are vote in new co-captains that only a few know, but they will becuase they are popular (kinda) and are only Freshmen.
Whetever. For next year, please nominate me for President of Dance Club. That's right. Vote for The Diva for Dance Club 10-11 president.
It's about someone show those skinny bitches how to treat people EQUALY.
Oh and come to the show tonight and tomorrow, 7pm in Dibden. Come see some great dancing and BAD ASS lights (by me lol).
Oh and we will not fond out about ACTF until Sunday, WPE untill like the mddle of next week, and I still have a shit ton of work, and I have NO CLUE what is going on with the "roomate" situation.
GAH!

But I Am PUMPED about next week's Glee Fall finale. Heard some great songs and teh promo is awesome. OMG WEMMANESS! SQUEE!

I don't think I'm ready...

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 03:47:20 GMT

To face the rest of this semester. As much as I am done with the bitchiness of my mother this weekend, I am scared to go back to JSC tomorrow morning.
First is the madness that is Danceland this week, so I will be in the theater most of the time and getting ready. Reharsals, light plots, makeup, etc. Oi.
Second is the looming finals and assignments that need to be done. I was so ready to get it all done this week, and I went dicking around instead and got nothing done.
Lastly, I am afraid to go back, especially wth the way my soon to be ex-roomate and I left for this break. I'm hoping that a lot of it will just blow over so we can finish these last few weeks in peace, but then I think about or upcoming mediated conversation, and it gets me nervous. Plus the fact that she thnks that we can not be friends after this hurts me. This is why I usally keep things bottled in, that's why I hate confrontations. With my track record, they usually end bad, and it just hurts me more. Plus I have a good feeling that that small favor I asked (that I can have my room for Danceland weekend), is gonna be moot. GAH!
I don't know how I am going to last these next few weeks of this semester, then to come back to my mother who is Mrs. Bitch Supreme at the moment, becuase of her insecurities, it's just crazy. It's the fact that I can not find my happy-medium and that I feel that It's going to be very hard to relieve myself of my issues, and to blow off whatever steam I have.
So let's sum up:
1. Dancelend= Hell Week. Plus I have a good feeling that I am gonna get my period. Fantastic.
2. Stressed about Finals and reports due soon with no time to do them
3. My roomate hates me and I am not sure how this is gonna play out, espeically with Danceland.
*starts to pull out hair*

Lord, please give me the strength to last these few weeks without losing my grip. Kep me grounded so I can do what I need to do, without hurting myself, or others. Or without cutting a bitch.
Amen

Writer's Block: Is your goose (or tofu) cooked?

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 03:17:59 GMT

Are you planning to host Thanksgiving at your place or will you travel to see family and/or friends? Do you prefer a traditional menu or something entirely different?

View 642 Answers

My Turkey Day is normal. I start and go over my aunts house for a meal. SO I get to go and get annoyed with my aunts who constantly fight, so my cousin and I hide in a room in the house and play guitar hero until we eat in Exile Island (the dining room and not the main kitchen table) and have fun there. We will then leave my aunts after dessert and pulling the Secret Santa, and proceed to my Nana's house where I will stuff my face again with HOMEMADE, MADE FROM SCRATCH stuffing *mouth waters* and stuff, then pull another secret santa and eat homemade cheesecake, then go home, sleep, and get up at the ass crack of dawn to go shopping.
The only difference would be if Peabody was at home, then I would be a good little alumni and go to the football game and play with the band.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

"Go on and Take A Bow"

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 03:59:05 GMT

So at last Trojan Women is almost over. As much as I enjoy acting (especially with the amazing group of people I got to work with), there is only so much Greek Tragedy I can take on a daily basis. Plus just the process itself. I mean not the "going to rehearsal everyday" part, its just at times, the play gets to me in general and I get into one of those moods (God help my roommate lol).
Example: It was Halloween. We had a run-through earlier that day and it was just a genral ok day, plus my best friend came to see me, and to get away from his stereotypical Private Catholic college for the night. He begins to tell me how he hates it at SMC and that he decided to leave next year. The burning question: To where is he going to transfer? He begins to tell me that he got a full boat to another school.
In Austrailia.
?!?!?!?!
As much as I would support him wherever he went and as much as I would try not to show it, just thinking about it tears me up. It will KILL ME if he is on the opposite side of the world. He is my sanity when I am up here and when I am at home. He is my BEST FRIEND. He is the only guy I know that loves me truely for who I am and will love him. We have been there for each other in good and bad times.
And then I get to thinking. If only he was straight... No, I do not love him like that, but it makes me wish that I can find a man just as amazing as my best friend, my own Prince Charming, not Princess lol.
I got hurt really bad last year by someone. In my subconscious I thought I had a chance with this person. He was one of the first people I have met ever that treated me the way he did in our first meeting and conversation. Yes, I fucked up early on, being the stupid person I am, but then as the year went on (after the awkward moments and cold sholder), he started warming up to me again and he was the charming, sweet person I met at the begining of the year.
Then the shit hit the fan.
I should've known, but my hopes got the best of me and I did not see what was in front of me. Now I made the mistake of being the next-door neighbor of his girlfriend and to have the relationship being rubbed in my face everyday. I mean, yes I support the relationship, they are both my friends and I love them, but then I get selfish and just ask myself Why her over me?
Plus, I am friends with someone that is on the second floor of my building. He is a great dude, who is funny, sweet, geeky, and just a great person to be around. But lately he has been arrivng in my suite to see me. I mean he's friends with everyone, but he makes sure to say hi and bye to me, and he comes to me first. I'm just afraid that for once, I may be leading him on, and I am afraid that if he asks me out (still can't picture ANYONE asking me out for real), I don't know if I have the will to say no or say that it is just as friends. I don;t want to do what I thought the other guy did to me last year which was lead me on then just leave me behind.
As I proceed to tell my roommate, she stops me and says: "Last year I babied you. He was not leading you on, you just did not see it."
Thanks roomie. Love you too. The reason I picked you was because you understood me. Now you don't even care to listen, but yet I take the shit whenever your boyfriend does not come over, God forbid you don't fuck your boyfriend once a week and I have to be sexiled for a night.
At least I can use somoe of this stuff on the stage to help me get into character.
I don't know, it's just this whole "waiting for a boyfriend" thing, kinda sucks. I'm not like a stereotypical college girl who socializes every other day by getting drunk or high and opens my legs to any thing that has two legs and a penis. I want a relationship. I am a very straightedge person, who is just looking for someone who loves me for who I am.
Look where that has got me: 20 years old, never had a boyfriend, never been a date, a loser in all sense.
Whatever. At least once the run is over, i can just relax again (kinda...new show, new rehearsals), and Glee will be back on next week, so that makes me happy. Ok, off to get some sleep, so I can actually function before the show tomorrow night.
Break a leg cast and crew of Trojan Women!

"I hate you but I love you, I can't stop thinking of you. It's true, I'm Stuck on you..."

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 04:50:49 GMT

So guess what I'm back in?
I'll give you three guesses, the first two don't count.
Thhhaaattts right. I am back in the cycle with HIM again!
At least its not as bad, I guess. I mean this time I know that he is not interested, becuase he is still dating his GF. However, hes treating me like he did just before he started dating his GF, being all nice, and freindly, conversatuional, repectful, funny, adorable, oh I can go on and on! And this little voice in the back of my head is telling me that he's interested again. But no, I can not get myself back into his mantrap I just can't! I don't want to hurt again becuase of his lack of "skills" (I guess) with the opposite sex.
Orientation was great! The second morning, when everyone was moving back him, I saw him in the window coming towards the building and I froze. My stomach did a flip. he was even cuter then when I last saw him two months prior! I get back and proceed to tell my friends and yet again they come up with the new "lava": Salt and pepper shakers. f course they have been tourturing me the past few weeks with them, but I did tell them to can it and they did so it has been ok I guess.
the point of this first part of this year is trying to get over him, but the more I try, the more I find myself spending time with him, some just the two of us. I mean its nit nerveweacking like last year, but I'm always afraid that I will say something that I am not ready to say to him yet, and at the wrong time.
Of ocurse it is not helping that I am SO having the General Horn again (extra brownie points if you can guess from what book series that is from), thinking that a LOT of guys are attractive, and I am SOOOO crushing on someone that is 3000 miles away in England. Poo. But as I think about the other guys, they really don't spend taht much time with me, and I keep reverting back to him.
And of course my best friend has this AMAZING boyfriend that I can just see that he cares about, and as much as it makes me REALLY happy that he has a great relationship with his boyfriend, it just makes me think about my situation. I mean I don't think that I come off negatovely towards the opposite sex, ecept for my weight, but w/e I am trying to get healthier this year anyway. I am taking regular spinning classes plus dance, and I plan on doing a plan on working out once SHAPE is open again.
I just hope this year I will be just a little bit more lucky than least year in that department. I know eventually that I will get over him. it just will take a bit. he is JUST a boy after all!

oh P.S.: Forst post as a 20 year old. HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! :D

And it starts again...

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 03:15:08 GMT

No, not the cycle. That's gonna start up again when the returning students trturn on Sunday, I can just feel it.
But the drama on the homefront! A few weeks ago, there was drama betrween two of my closest friends. Now, those two have always been closer to each other then I am to them. However, becuase I was the perosn that both went to, I knoew both sides of the story and I was aske dto mediate. That did NOTHING. Just made me upset on my own insecurities. So with that, I just let them duke it out I guess. they settled their differences and were all buddy buddy again.
A week later , my friend who loves in the cape, came and visited everyone in PBD. We went mini-golfing and had ice cream. However, between her and one of the two friends I mentioned earlier, were ALSO having issues and I was the one in the middle. Again. So we are on our way home from ice cream and I get a call from Friend A, demanding that I give my phone to Friend B so they can talk. I explain to him that she is on her phone rigt now talking to her dad and HE yells at ME that if he does not get a call witin 10 minutes that shit was gonna go down. So I tell Friend B this and I get ganged up on by her and her "best friend", another really close friend of mine and yells at me.
So I was at my breaking point. I simply stated in a facebook note (the only way I can get a hold of all four of them at the same time without killing each other) that I do not want to be indirectly involved in the drama anymore.
And so far it was fine.
However, I move back into my dorm and first day of orientation training and here we go again! It's the first set of two friends. Again. Now I heard a tid bit from one side before I left and now I am getting a compute ful via AIM from the other side.
UGH!

I will probably post with my guy issue on Sunday when I see him again.

Writer's Block: Unlikely Benefactor

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 04:03:06 GMT

Congratulations! You won a million dollars but you have to give it all away. How will you distribute the money?

View 516 Answers

Easy. I would give most of it to my family and friends, to help pay off bills, and build houses (especially to my mom.). Then I would donate to my church then to VH1 Save the Music, PVMHS specifically for the performing arts wing, GLAAD, NOH8, and especially to Boston Children's Hospital in my cousin Molly's name.

Writer's Block: Birthday Shout-out

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 05:05:11 GMT

Happy birthday, J.K. Rowling! Which of her seven Harry Potter novels do you think is the most satisfying read?

View 510 Answers

Without a doubt Half Blood Prince. It is my favorite in the series between the emotion, the action, and the romance. The perfect combination. I just wish the movie was just as magical :-/, but hey, it's movies unfortunately, but yeah. HBP 110%

Had an ephiphany of some sorts

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 05:46:29 GMT

So this week was a rollercoater of emotions for me. And through the madness and in the end wen the dust settled it just came to me:
I never know what it feels like to be #1 really.
Example: This week two of my closest friends were at it this week over stupid reasons. Now even though one of said people is who I consider my best friend, who I have known since Hell (aka: Middle School) started, he has a stronger and better connection with my other friend. Anywho, throughout the week both of them were telling me about each other, with their problems, and just asking about each other. Usually they talk to each other every night, and me I just usually sit here, twitleing my thumbs, being bored. Now both are them talk to me, usually doing the same thing at the same time while talking to me.
So when one came home from working up at his school in VT, he had an idea for me to mediate a convo between the two so I can make sure that both messages are being said to each other. He called the second party to make sure it was ok and she said it was.
So we get the convo going, and it went. I felt like there were a lo of things that needed to be said, said, but not really. I could feel just a sense of incompleteness.
Later that night, I was invited to sleep over his house for the night (usually she does). After a dramatic exit from her and some things going down, I find out later that night, while me and my friend are trying to watch a movie, that she felt uncomfortable saying while I WAS THERE. After she left, he was venting where he said it basically: I was #2. He said that he would go to her first for problems, and that he was closer to her. Last summer, the three if us were sitting and talking to his aunt. He said that in 10 years he would be closer to her than me. And that hurt. A lot. And seeing them being closer than he and I are, those words still echo in my head and it keeps hurting.
So later that night (when I slept over and he confirmed that I was #2), I asked that if it was me instead of her, would he be reacting the same way. He said yes, but for me, its a little hard to believe. I know that he loves his friends. I know that they have a special place in his heart for them. I just feel that I am not first priority.
We both went through a lot of shit together, and I call him my best friend. And that's the problem. Isn't the point of having a best friend, having the oher half that calls you the same?
I don't have a true best friend. I naver have. There was always someone else that a friend would consider their "best friend". I would be in that crowd and know whats happening and such, but I was and still the last to know things. They tell their "best friend" first, and then it eventually gets to me. It's SO SAD that I feel out of the loop within my group f friends, that I feel like the odd girl out.
I guess not just in guys also that I am just considered "just a friend" huh?
It just hurts I guess. One day, I will be that one special person to someone that is not my mom. It's just not today I guess.

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 19:19:47 GMT

97 Glee Icons

Preview:


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You are free to use, but just credit, please and thank you!
~B

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 05:42:30 GMT

Hey.
So. How do I describe this past week? Sucky as hell.

I went to registration on Friday, got my wristband, and was all set to audition on Sunday. The whole time leading up to it, I was SO EXCITED. I have always wanted to do it, but I was either to young, or just bad timing, with Life in general. During the week, my sisters friend kept pestering me and her to give him and a friend that is auditioning a ride to Foxboro. I said no, but she said yes. So I got up at 3 (aka: the ass crack of dawn), got changed and yadda yadda yadda, then picked the two up. The drive was ok. They said that Foxboro will open at 5 to start letting people in. Ok, no big deal thinking that the line will just move right along. We get there around quarter of 5 and the line was like a half a mile long, legit, even more. It was raining really hard, so THANK GOD we had unbrellas and hoodies. But still, it sucks. I was also carrying heavy bags and my shoulders were starting to kill. At first it moved slowly but surely, but then it started to just stop. It was so bad that we were standing in the same place for an hour in the rain. The wind and rain started to pick up, my mom's back started to hurt, it was just Hell. 3 1/2 hours later, we FINALLY got into Gillette, and took our wet seats. We learned the crowd song ("When I Grow Up" by the Pussycat Dolls...Not my favorite song, but w/e), for like an hour. Ryan Seacrest finally showed up, for like 10 minutes to film,then he peaced out. FINALLY it was time to audition:

How it worked: You got into a group of 4 with three others and you wait until someone told you what booth to go to. There were like 10. My group had to go to 4. We waited until the groups in font of us went and left then we went up. We stepped forward one at a time and sang our song for 30 seconds. After all 4 have gone, the producer(s) deliberated and tell them weither one, all, none, ect. made it through or not.
I thought my group did pretty well. None of us sucked and I know that I put my heart and soul into it. After my group went, the few seconds before he gave a yay or nay, felt like an eternity. At last he called the four of us forward. The moment he said "Well, first of all, thank you for coming out, I know it has been a long day..." I knew that it was not gonna end well. Then he went on with "You all have amazing voices yadda yadda yadda, but it's a no blah blah blah..." We politely thanked the producer then walked the walk of shame out of the stadium, having our wristbands sut along the way. I mean I was fine with it. For me it was just for shits and giggles, and if I didn't then I didn't. Yes, I have dreamed of being on it, but I really did not walk in thinking I was gonna get in right away. I know that I have America's standards of beauty against me, but I felt good when I sang for him and I had a strange feeling that maybe he would let me through. Well, I didn't make it, whatever, and then comes the worst part: the reaction from everyone else. My mom went into Stage Mom mode and was comforting yet seeking vengance from the AI people, same ol same ol'. We get food at the Red Robin (great for my first time there...BBQ chicken sandwich: YUM!), then take the long treck back to Peabody, dropped off Tom and Matt, then went right home and I think I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

I woke up 3 hours later, then my mom told me something as we drove to my aunts house. She was on the AI site and was reading comments, and one was form someone who moved on from the producers and went on to the execs. She said that she sang some more and did some other things. They eventually dismissed her. The reason: She did not look good on camera. That just confirms everything. American Idol turned into America's Next Top Model, and it was all abou the eye candy.

I know that I am not what a typical recording artist would appear to be. I am sorry I am a size 22 not a size 2. But dismissing someone becuase of the way they appear is not cool. I know that I should be used to it by now. I have always been denied things that I think I deserved because of my size: roles, parts in chorus, the guy I have been eyeing. I know that people have told me that if I just get healthier and slim down, I would have no issue, but getting to Idol the way I am is one of the reasons I do it. One of the things I would love to accomplish in my life is to break the status quo, and prove to all that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to and accomplish my dreams, being a big girl in a world that is obsessed with beauty and perfection. To show that you do not need to be easy with someone and just have everything handed to them because you are skinny, rich, and popular, like some in this god forsaken city who believes that.
The kicker with all of this, is that people tell me that I was robbed. I know that I was. I mean I got told so many times I have lost count by friends and family that I was robbed, but to have complete strangers that you do not know come up to you and tell you that you were robbed, you know something is fishy. I know that I have something. I know that I have a gift that God gave me. I know that I got robbed. And I thank everyone that has told me that. It shows that I may not be the most popular in my city or school, but I have a support system that will love me and support me in whatever I do and wherever I go. Telling me that they should go eff themselves, and that I got robbed makes me feel better about the ordeal, but at the same time, it hurts. It feels like its being rubbed in my face that I got rejeceted because of the way I look, and it hurts. So much.

Everyone is telling me that my time will finally come to shine and succeed in doing so, but its like the "boyfriend" or "lack of boyfriend" situation, telling me to wait that it will come in time. Well I am done with waiting. All my life I have been waiting and trying and putting my heart and soul into everything I do, only to go nowhere and fall into the sea of American Society where I drown in humiliation and discrimination.
I know I am like my dream role. I am a real life Tracy Turnblad. I know I am like my favorite TV show. I am a real life Ugly Betty. You see them succeed in what they do. I mean look at it. Tracy got the show and got the guy. Betty Suarez is now an editor at MODE and even though she is in between relationships, know that she had a relationship she wished lasts a lifetime that she is still in love with. You see them have happy endings. You see them see things go right for them. Why not me?

Now I am also scrambling for a job, stessing for money, and family issues coming to a head, I find myself wishing I was out with friends or back at school already.

I wish I can just fast forward to the fun things and just run to school and start the year again, which reminds me: I should start memorizing lines for Trojan Women. Ugh.

Well for now I clean and prepare. Micheala and Deidre are coming in 9 days and its not coming soon enough. I am so excied to see the fuse between school and home to see what happens. I love all my friends and I really hope they get along. Also if after a week with me and my friends and Deidre is STILL not corrupted, then I am oficially out of options lol.

Ok, I am out..gotta get up early to apply at the mall tomorrow. Night all and thanks to everyone that have made this weel bearable. You guys are all my #1 fan (except for my cousin Micayla, the true #1 fan lol).

~B

P.S.: My mom, in her Stage Mom Mode, wrote an email to 19 entertainment (the production company for AI) just saying and stating the negative things about the audition. They responded (surpisingly) 2 days later with a reply from the LEGAL DEPARTMENT saying that they have no set criteria on ow people should look, and they they can't control the weather. I laughed. XD. I'll show them next year!!!!

On a banner/icon kick

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 17:12:04 GMT

This is my first time posting any icons on LJ, so I hope you enjoy!

12 Glee icons
10 Ugly Betty Icons (Betty/Henry)

Preview:

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12 Glee

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10 Ugly Betty (Betty/Henry)

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And that's all she wrote!
You are free to use them, but please credit where you got it from.

If you would like to see the banners, please visit my photobucket:
http://s72.photobucket.com/albums/i178/musicgurl7227/My%20Banners/
and
http://s72.photobucket.com/albums/i178/musicgurl7227/My%20Banners/Ugly%20Betty%20creations/

Enjoy!!!!
~B

Not even a month in...

Sat, 30 May 2009 05:15:51 GMT

And this summer is already becoming epic. American Idol Auditions are in 2 weeks.
Two. Weeks.
I mean I am SO PUMPED that it is in Boston this year. I have no excuse to not audition. It's in Boston and I am old enough now. I guess I am just nervous about it. I really REALLY want to do this. I have dreamed of being in this and winning since it started whan I was 14. I mean It's just natural that I would just give it a shot for shits and giggles you know?
But playing the what-if-and-not-thinkng-positive-or-counting-the-chicks-before-they-hatch-type-thing game. What happens if I DO get in? I know that after the first semester, I kinda can't return for the next semester, and it would ba a HUGE jump for me. I don't know. I don't want to think about it or my curse will come up and I will epicly fail the registration and audition.

On another topic, the thing I didn't want to happen while I was home is happening. I should've just waited he was alone and just do what I was planning on doing and just get everything off my chest before I left. But no. I chickened out and the spine that grew dwindled yet again.
The next day I was saying bye and the hug he gave was just...how to describe it...not a hug. I mean I understand that he had something in his hand, but it was just he hugging and him just like patting my back in a really fake way. It just confirms what people have been saying and what I have been fearing: He is just being nice. It just really sucks becuase this time I really thought that something was going to evolve into something. I really did. It just seemed like that. So the glares and startes: becuase I'm a freak (as usual). And the nice conversations and smiles and that: means nothing. The first converstaion we had: NOTHING.
The worst part about all of this: He is still on my mind and I am still infactuated with him. I keep hearing the song and I see his face still. I still daydream about situations whare we would blossom into something more. But of couse this is me being me, and hoping yet again. The curse strikes again. It works not just on anything performance wise, but with guys also. It just sucks I guess and depresses me.

On another geeky topic, the UB finale was FANFUCKINGTASTIC!!!! Henry came back and they admitted that they still love each other and they had a hot kiss and it is SO NOT OVER between them or with him, I can just see it! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! I still watch the scene over and over again. I LOVE IT!!!! I already made banners galore and it became inspiration to finish the latest chapter and probably a one-shot if I am lucky! :)
Also I have new obsession: GLEE. OMG it is just AMAZING and I love it! It really sucks that we have to wait until 2 days before my b-day before it comes back on regulary! It has the original LINK from Hairspray and WENDLA from Spring Awakening. Its awesome. Plus the guys are hot in it (always a plus). The promos look so great and I can SO relate with the characters in it.

kk I sould probably get to bed. I have to sing a 9am (ugh) AND 11am Confirmation mass tomorrow, then help my Nana move the last of the stuff from her old home to the new one tomorrow.
I'll keep you guys posted on American Idol. Wish Me Luck!!!!

~B

Nerd Love is BACK!!!! (I hope)

Fri, 08 May 2009 19:47:33 GMT

So this post is going to be very VERY geeky. I am in a geektastic, nerdy, amzing mood.
So for those who do not know (if you don't then you are just oblivious!!!! lol), I am a HUGE Ugly Betty fan. I have loved teh show since it came about and I can identify with the characters and it just goves me a pick me up when I am feeling crappy about myself.
One of the ways it perks me up is that Betty is also successful with her love life (kinda). In the middle of the first season ( I promice to not gove you the whole, complicated, soap opera-esque story) they introduced a character named Henry. Now two seasons later and a whole lot of drama, here is where we are at:
-Betty is still working at MODE dating someone she met from a program she is in.
-Henry is back in Tucson taking care for his son Nate and living his life
Now for those who know the show and the characters, it was a devastation to hear that the end of season 2 would be the last we see of Henry Grubstick (aka: Sugarstick). I know I was and that was just the beginning of mistakes the executives did to make this season kinda half-rate.
Now I decided to still watch, to see where it went. I was not as avidly of a watcher and I still wrote my fanfics too, but not as excitedly...the Nerd Lovers kinda cooled down and kinda went into hibernation.
A few weeks ago I am on facebook and I got a message from my friend Erin who I met on one of our message boards. the subject simply said: HENRY IS COMING BACK!!!! :) Naturally I first squeed with joy (In the middle of my dining hall computer area) and I had a happy spaz attack. I read the article and it just brought my really sucky mood into a 180.
So yeah, I am SO FUCKING excited that Chris Gorham will be coming back for the 2-hour season finale reprising his role as Henry. OMG I needed Nerd Love SO BAD!
To tell you the truth, one of the things that kept me going for the remainder of the first and through the FUCKING FANTASTIC second season was the relationship she had with Henry. It was just so natural and it showed that you don't need to be someone else to find someone that you love. Even though I might not enjoy my situation with teh opposite sex, at least the fictional relationships I root for are going well (again, I hope).
So yeah I am so excited to see Henry rock the boat in Betty and Matt's realationship PLUS bringing a "girlfriend" with him! Plus I have seen spoiler pics:
SSSSSSSSQQQQQQQQQQQUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Plus this week I got deemed Orientation Leader for next year AND I am officially done with my classes.
I am officialy done with my freshman year in college!!!!
7 Days till I am home!!!!
Off to finals I go!

P.S.: Sorry if I sounded REALLY WICKED GEEKY in this. I can't help it. I love the adorkable ones! ;)

"We all got our junk, and My Junk is you..."

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 03:53:35 GMT

Wow. What progress I made. Guess what? I am back in the cycle again.
Find. My. Llama.
I was doing so fucking well, then I gave in again and I have feelings again. I found another common thread that we have and as I get to know him more, I'm getting more attracted to him. Again.
Why is it that I can't just get over him and move on? I just don't know. All I know is that ever since shit hit the fan, I have never felt more uglier than I do right now. I find myself feeling more ugly by the day, as they get closer and as more shit happens. I thought I had a ray of hope, but then it got jinxed. I just can't seem to catch a break.
Yes I support the relationship. I love both of them and I consider them friends. I wish of nothing but the best.
The problem is that I guess the best, is what makes me feel worse.
My best friend came this weekend for the play, and as much as I am happy that the play is done and over with, the thing that helped me get through that weekend was that he was there supporting me and him already missing me. Why is it that I can never have that connection with someone that is interested in me for a change? I know that I have to wait for that someone, and that I know that when it comes, it will come. But I'm the last in everyone that has gotten somwhere on that front.
I'm done with waiting.
I'm done with it.
I am DONE feeling ugly.
Why can't my Prince Charming just come now and sweep me off my feet? I needed him, especially these past few weeks. Of course people tell me that yes it would ba beneficial but at the same time it wouldn't becuase I was spending all my time in Dibden becuase of PJ Game.
And of course the common thread has to be a musical that we both find is to be amazing. Littoe did he know that my favorite song in the show, is what it is like me, infactuated with him. Everytime the song goes on his face just pops right there in the face and all I see is his face when I hear it.
I know I should not be like this, I know that I should not still be infactuated and keep persuing him, but I am.
WTF?

I lie back just driftin', and play out these scenes. I ride on the rush, all the hopes, all the dreams. I may may be neglecting the things I should do. But we all got our junk, and My Junk is you...
~Spring Awakening

"Can't take my mind..."

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 19:05:32 GMT

Hey everyone!

This post will be cheerier than the last I promise.
Dance show had its last show last night, so a HUGE burdon was taken off my back after that ended. That was just one things that topped it all off, and just added more stress to my life. I mean I know it was a lot of fun and it was a way to just let my emotions go and channel it into something postitive, but between getting ready for that, last minute costume changes, lighting 2 dances, schoolwork and that my intensions on a dance or two changed within the weeks coming up to it, it was just one of those weeks.
However, I do have to thank a few people for helping me through these few weeks:

Micheala, Maddie, Deidre, Cass, Kim, and all my JSC friends: You guys kept me going and tried to keep me unstressed and in a good mood, even if you guys werent. It was funny though that most of us came to our breaking points around the same time. If that doesnt say we're friends than I do not know what. I know my nagging about a certain topic (or person) was annoying to you guys and I apologize. I guess I hate the "rejection" shit and I'm the type of person who takes some things personally, when in reality I should've just faced that facts that I really had less of a chance that I hoped.
Keith, Katie, Alyssa and all my friends and family in PBD: Over break, seeing you at home, in Burlington, or online, just gave me that extra boost in my day. I miss you guys SO much, and it's just making me that more impatient for Summer, where we can really party!

Also during this week, I have had doubts, confusion, and just denial in a lot of things. After really sitting down and just seeing what was there and getting perspectives from people, I know that I just have to sit and let nature take its course. I know that I can do better than him, and I am getting to believe that, slowly but surely. However, theres still that part of me that still thinks that I have a shot, whatever. I know it's gonna take me a bit, but I am getting over it, and him.

This week have really tetred my patience and how to channel my anger, depression, and stress. I sit and read. I write in my notebook. I would rehearse Pajama Game shit. Or I would just dance the shit out of everything! I really think I am getting better in dancing. Ipractice really hard and in some of the pictures I have taken from this week, I only not see just a physical change, but a mental one also. These past few weeks, thanks to my friends and family who love me SO MUCH, have made it bearable and enjoyable in the end. I am, in most part, proud of my dancing, WICKED proud of my lights, and I am just proud at myself for keeping my cool and staying professional and kind when I needed too. I'm not gonna lie, when I saw something that irritated me, I felt like shit, but I put on that mask and I would wait until I took out my anger at something that was not a person or a pillow. I channel it into energy so I could dance the way I did last night, which I thought was FUCKING FANTASTIC! I felt SO great after I was done, and I felt like that was the best performance of my dancing.

I only have one problem with this whole amazing experience: I know I did such a fantastic job, but why doesn't anyone, besides my friends and family, see that? I'm not gonna lie, I had a fantasy where some guy would approach me and just ask me out right then and there, but hey, a girl can dream! :)

Sucky, Mucky, Yucky, just NOT a good day at all!

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 22:02:08 GMT

Hey again.
This post is not at all any cheerier than my last post. Today was just the icing on the cake to just a bad week and a horrible day.
1. I am just not feeling well emotionally, like I'm not sick, but just idk, something
2. I am homesick. I miss my friends and family at home, and just my friend missing all of us makes it that Saturday will never come until I see him.
3. Guys just suck ass. Plain and simple. I know that I should not be jealous or mad or whatever, I'm just kinda angry at myself and inda smaking myself that all this time, me trying to seem to him as obtainable and worth a shot, he was really eyeing someone else and asked HER out instead. They are just confusing human beings and I just can't really catch a break
AND to top it all off:
4. I am planning on seeing my best friend on Saturday who is as homesick as I am and we just miss each other. I just got a message from him that he might have the flu, which means in my mind, that maybe our Saturday outing is going to be moot and I will not be able to see him, but in reality I REALLY need to see him and seek comfort!
Now I am happy for him and my friend in which he chose, but in my mind it's just fuckwittage (I read too many books...10 points for anyone who can guess right what "fuckwittage" is from), and all the things he have shown me, was just confusing now and had to signifigance whatsoever.
I guess I'm just an idiot to think that ANYONE had a small inklink of actually being attracted to me. Why can't I have people following me, instead of the opposite? Why can't for once in my life, have someone who feels the same for me, as I do for him? I feel, in a way a failiure who just can't do anything right.
Is it too much to ask for a relationship with someone? Looks like it is for me. I'm not confident in the least, I can be awkward, and I am the BIGGEST chicken you will ever meet (emphasis on BIGGEST).
All I want is to feel those feelinga a girlfriend gets. Liked, worthwhile, pretty.
I know it may seem like I am keeping my guard down for a guy, but it's just hard for me to be like this, Most people I know can NOT feel the same way I do. Just about everyone I know has been in a relationship before. I have NEVER been in one, so those who say I feel for you, YOU CAN'T!
I have no idea how to be a girlfriend. I don't know what to look for in a man/guy/whatever those humans with the peni are called. I just don't know, and I am SICK and TIRED of waiting and looking for someone.
I know I have had people say don't try too hard, that it will come to you when you least expect it, well FUCK THAT! I have tried that, and guess what? IT DID NOT WORK! I am still alone, I am still not catching anyone's eye.
I am so depressed right now, that I just want to get into my bed and cry and cry until Saturday when I know I could be cheered up if it works in my way, I REALLY HOPE it does go in my way.
Now I don't know weither to go to work tonight becuase of it. I mean it is money, but is it worth my sanity? Both of them are runing it and it is a fun night, but that was partyly becuase I'd doll up and try to impress him. I kinda can't now!
I lose. Not the game. I just lose

FML!!!!

DONE with Lava!

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 22:26:55 GMT

So I made the conclusion that I give up, that I am DONE with lava. It seems that I can't trust ONE person with information about MY life, especially in my interests, or more specificaly, with certain people.
I just do not understand why people wants to know EVERYTHING about someones life and will not stop until they get the information, even though I really do not want to tell them.
So here's the dealio:
It's Valentines Day (STRIKE 1), and I am working at Dibden, as usual, just ushering for Cukoo's Nest. Now my tradition on Valentines/Singles Awareness/Hallmark/Eat a shit load of sugar Day, is that I ALWAYS to doll up and hopefully impress the person that I have an interest in at the moment. So, I doll up in this Pants and Dress combo ensemble with some cute shoes, and I do my makeup and hair and shit, yadda yadda yadda. Ushering went well, I think that at the most, I gotten maybe a glance at first from the guy, but thats just about it. I try everything and he is still just a guy. W/e.
During intermission I am on the balcony, talking to my friend Kim and we get to Lava, and we joke around and shit. It may be a serious issue, but I still joke about it you know?
Anyway, were talking and my friend Melissa* turned around from her post and was like "Ok, is Lava some sort of sex word or whatever. I NEED to know." Now I love Melissa dearly. She is always very friendly, a person you can just goof off with, and she tries to help out. However, she has this tendency to need information about everyone else and sometimes help too much, like constantly.
So I explain to her "Ok, fine. Basically, it's just something that I should've done a while ago, but didn't, so a couple of my friends are pressuring to 'jump into the lava' and take a chance."
"With what?" she asks.
I quickly turned back to my friend Kim and I avoided. I do not want to tell her. Not right now. The fact that she is a close friend of the guy, makes me uncomfortable because whatever I say to her, will probably get to him in the near furure, and I do not want hi to find out about me in that way. I want him to approach ME and WE can talk to each other and know through each other, not through others, which unfortunately have been happening since the beginning of the year.
So the show ended (Standing Ovation, congrats cast and crew AMAZING JOB!), and it was mandatory that the crew stay to strike the set, no big deal, more money for me. So we're all striking the set and a group of us are just sitting towards the end and waiting for something to do. And she brings it up again.
"So are you going to tell me, what lava really means, I do not know."
Sarah*, one of my fellow techie friends giggles, and just says "I know." I mean I know that she will not say anything, but she can't lie, like most of my friends, and if they figure it out, they can't lie about it. Thats how she found out about the whole thing. They get to talking and Melissa, says "Is it what I think it is?" Sarah gives her a knowing look. Melissa turns to me.
"Oh comon! Everyone knows about that! It's not a secret!" she says very loudly within the group of everyone.
"Well, is it?" she asks. I turn away and start walking or whatever. Then someone calls His name, and the group laughs their asses off. Nice. I didn't know that I was back in middle school again.
So I am already in a pissy mood when I arrive back to my dorm. My roomate's boyfriend was there that night. They don't get to see each other that often, so it was fine with me that they were there. But I was in that mood and I walked into my common room to see my roomate with her bf, my next door neighbor with her bf, and my suitemate just chatting, w/e, so I take a shower and get into pajamas. I decide to join the convo, and of course my suitemate is talking about her boyfriend back home. I sit down. Silence. Awkward Silence.(STRIKE 2) "FUCK THIS SHIT!" I thought to myself, and I went over to Stearns for Late night to visit my good friends Ben & Jerry (we're pretty tight you know tee hee). and who is there in the lobby chatting it up with people? Melissa. (SRIKE 3) Now I am already pissed at her and it did not help at all. So I get down to late night, fanfic notebook in tow, and I get a water and I just get to think in my cormer. I almost went through a Valentine's Day without crying. I got to 11:30pm Valentine's night, and I had my emo/fuck valentines day corporate muchy gushy romance couple mumbo jumbo/nervous breakdown and I cried for a bit. I get back upstairs and she still there.
"Will you PLEASE tell me what lava is now?"
"No."
"Are you in a bad mood?"
I lie. "No I am just tired and I'm trying to give my roomate time alone with her boyfriend, and I just had my emo/valentines day/ nervous breakdown.
So I join the group of a few friends of mine just talking and she was nice enough to ot bring it up while we were there, but when we got bakc to my friend's common room, she brought it up again and I just simply told her. "You guessed it at the strike." She goes on with this "youknowwearesuchgreatfriendsandilikehimbutheisnotinterestedbutwearesuchgreatfriendsyaddayaddayadda" bullshit and I am just done.
Now a week later, I'm happy that it hasn't bothered me yet with the whole "lava" thing, but now I'm just pissed of what have happened, and I feel like I can never tell a secret without it being spilled. What sucks the most is that I still like this person VERY much, but now I'm even MORE afried than before, when I had a spine, to jump into the lava, becuase of the events that happened that night.
Why is it that MY life is the one that gets publisized and people pick ME apart? I wish I can just do something normally and RIGHT for once!
Oh and the reason I am telling all of you in cyber-universe this story: Everyone else knows, might as well tell the whole world too.

*= names omitted

To jump into the lava, or not to jump...That is the question.

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 21:27:09 GMT

These past few weeks have been amazingly confusing and just wierd.But not at the same time.

It has FINALLY gotten normal again and I feel that we are both at a mutual level of comfort with each other which is great for me. Its been nice, just being on this mutual level.

However, as it gets more normal, the more I find myself attracted to him, to the point of that I am dreaming of him in vivid dreams. No, nothing sexual or anything, but like one of those moments liek in the movies that we are just fooling around having fun, and theres this moment you know? It was so vivid that I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, my breath held in anticipation, the butterflies in my stomach. I could see me in it, but I could feel what I was feeling in it. It's to a point where I am picturing myself in a relationship with this person, and I can see it clear as day. It's really quite sad, and it could very well be the fact that it's almost Valentine's Day talking, but it's my mind and my heart telling me this.

So I went and talked to a couple of my close friends and they told me to jump into the lava pit and just get it over with. First I was like "What?", and they went on about some movie with Tom Hanks and Lava and shit, about how they jumped in and into a gas bubble and they were safe and shit, but then I wa sliek "whatever" However hey are pressuring me into confrounting him and telling him about what and how I feel. I had a spine, but then when I grew it he was gone so I was too late, now they are telling me to grow one and jump into the lava.

I AM NOT READY!

It has just gotten normal again and I want to get soometing out of ot before I start risking my emotions and freindship yet again to satisfy people. I am not ready yet and yes I know that I have a fear of confrontaion and rejection, but I nee dto find that inner person so I can do it. So until then, I just need to let it ride and let whatever happens, happens.

Any opinions? Advice? Anything?

Back in the Cycle

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 06:06:08 GMT

So here I am again, back at school and ready and am excited for the semester ahead of me. I was ready to go into it head on and just enjoy it as much as possible...

However, no more than 24 hours later, I am sucked back in and I took a step back than I was when I was at home and enjoying life.

During the first semester here at school, I did something REALLY REALLY stupid and it really made it almost unbearaby awkward between me and one of my classmates, who happens to be of the male gender. I admit fully that I am attracted to him. When he is just comfortable and normal, he is sweet, nice, funny, impressive, and just a good person to have a conversation with, but more of that later.

After I did said mistake, it was understandable why he would just ignore me and not aknowlege my existance. I was fully aware of that and I knew that that was going to happen. While working with him, it was so professional that it was just a hair away to being awkward. I would smile and wave, but he would just blow me off and walk on his way. The only time he would talk to me then was if it was work related. I mean, I wouldn't blame him. I would react the same way.

After time passed, it got just more awkward. I feel pairs of eyes burn the back of my head or I feel someone's eyes on me and I would slightly look over to see his dark eyes just looking at me with some sort of expression I just could not decypher. I would see him from across the dining hall and when I saw that he looking my way, I would quickly manuver my eyes to another thing in the room to avoid his eyes and his stare. It was teh point to where we both would avoid eachother. I knew I was avoiding him, but that was for a reason I will explain later on.

Later on in the semester, he started to warm up again, saying hi to me and being nice again. He would join my table at lunch or at a meal and just be himself, which was such a relief to me, to see that. At least I knew he doesn't hate me. I would think to myself, as he kept warming up.

But then the next day, he would just not see me. I would wave and he would just go on his way to do something. Maybe he didn't hear me, maybe he didn't see me. I don't know. Then the next day he would be nice. For weeks he played me hot and cold, to the point that I thought I would get emotional hypothermia. My emotions were being played and it is just not good. One moment I would fins myself being attraced to him more and more being normal and sweet, but then the next I would hate hom for being a plain ol' douche and being an ass.

For weeks I was planning of just approaching him and ask him what he is thinking. I'm not going to lie, I was trying to figure out in how he acted around me, but it just was not clear. I was too scared to approach him. I already made my move, and I was waiting for him to approach me. I did not want him to feel uncomfortable around me. That's why I avoided him. I did not want him to feel uncomfortable. I wanted him to be at the point where he would feel comfortable enough to apporach me and tell me what he thinks. That's what I told him, that I would be here when he is ready for it.

So finally I grew a spine and was ready to approach him to tell him how I felt and ask him what is going on. I planned on doing it just before break so I would give myself time to contemplate on weither I could keep persuing and if so in what way, or to move on. I was talking to a group of friends and while in conversation, I found out that he already left for break earlier that morning.

Shit.

So I left for break having grown a spine and having it dwindle back to what it was, what I mean is, not having one at all.

Over break, I did a lot of thinking, alot of it, about him, what to do. I made the conclusion that when I got back, that I would just ride this storm out and just let what happens, happens, no big deal.

Less than 12 hours stepping back onto the JSC campus, my cycle started up. But this time, I was not the one to approach. He did, just engaging in conversation. I mean I am not complaining, it is SUCH a relief to know that he feeeling comfortable again and that he is being nice again, and a times almost as if he was flirting, but I know that is just not true. Me? Someone flirting with ME?! Yeah, what a riot! BUt it is just kind wierd you know, tat leving off just awkward and such, then to being chummy all of a sudden, nit thnking that it would not happen.

To add more fuel to the fire, I would out that I was not the only one with the glancing around here. I was informed that it was awkward glances between the both of us and now he is doing again, like say I was at a table with him just eating dinner. I went to take a drink of my soda and when I lowerd the cup, I see his eyes looking at me. I'm not gonna lie, it made my stomach flip and my heart to race a little, just to think that maybe, just maybe, he might me interested after all! *knocks on wood*

I don't know. I just don't want to keep wondering. I want to know. I just want a one on one conversation with him, just him and me, like the first one we had in Spetember, the conversation that got me attracted to him in the first place, him looking into my eyes while talking, treating me like an equal and with respect. As I said before, it goes VERY far with me and it is a turn on for me when it comes to men, it makes them that more attractive to me. Plus he is just an all-around decet guy. Helpful, at times talented in what he does, and VERY good-looking in my opinion. ;D

Well, I just needed to clear my head, and I did that so now I am ready to hit the hay.

Why is the male gender SO DAMN confusing? lol

New Year, New Rules

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 04:46:23 GMT

So happy 2009 to one and all. I hope this year will be amazing and a happy one to all!

So it is a new year which means one of my favorite things to do: Resolutions for the new year I really hope to achieve, so lets get started:

1.) Lose Weight- DUH! Well, it really says "Get to healthy weight". As I was talking to the NP at school about my weight she showed me where I should be with my weight and I made that healthy weight as my goal. Between dance, and such, I hope to achieve that and keep it off. I can NOT let my mom be skinner than me (lol).

2.) Get more confidence- This has always been a struggle for me. I have never been confident and the most outgoing with people when I am in uncomfortable situations. So far at school my promise to myself to be outgoing has been working and I have met some great people and friends.

3.) Especially with men- another DUH one. Example: right now it is an issue. I was planning on approaching a guy about his actions towards me, and just as I grew a spine to go to him, he left for break, and that is such a downer cuase i was planning on using this break to figuare out how to either keep persuing him or to just try to move on with him and seek fresh meat. Who knows. I will try. Maybe it will help me to:

4.) GET A BOYFRIEND- 19 and never had a BF? Yeah. I know people have been telling me to not even bother, that it is a waste of my tome, but I just want to find out formyself, and not through everyone else. End. Of. Story.

5.) Part in musical- I know this will be up in the air and up to someone that is not me, but I am hoping I will be in the spring musical at school, which I just found out that its The Pajama Game which is a great fun play. Cross your fingers!

6.) Take better care of my voice- I have been kind of, but I need to take better care of it, because I do use it often while at school. So Lemon tea with honey it is! No problem there. It's just the less screaming part :/ .

7.) Exercise more- I do Dance at school, and it has helped me lose some weight, but I need to do more than just dance...I do have time after classes, and I am planning on using some of it to get to the gym at school and just work out. I bring my water, my Zune and I am ready to go!

8.) Not just dance- see above

9.) Update fics within a month from last update- I truely mean that, especially to those who do read my fics. This past semester betwreen crazy CRAZY schedule, and lack of inspiration, it was very hard for me to update on a timely basis. I will try as hard as I can to balance it so I can update. If I scratch your back... ;D.

10.) Devote more time to my studies and schoolwork- Last semester was great (Straight B's across the board), but I know that I can do better, so I just need to devote a little more of my time to my schoolwork, even maybe fininsh reports early, so they can be [roofread and finsihed not at the las minute. Sometimes it works, but sometimes, it just doesn't. AND if I finish early, I could update my fics as often as I please.

11.) Positive outlook on myself- I really don't give much of a positive outlook of myself at times, and i have been trying, so this year I am hoping to see myself in more of a positive light, and not just when I am performing. It could help me with so may things including my confidence.

And that's it. These are my goals for 2009. I hope that I can achive them and I hope all you can too.
Here's to a great and Happy New Year!

~B

Cure from Bordom (Stole from my friend Micheala)

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 04:30:22 GMT

Ten things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now (don't list names):
1. I'm sorry if I am not living up to my expectations. I'm just me. I'm not Superwoman.
2. One minute you are so cold, the next you are chummy. WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME? PLEASE JUST TELL ME!
3. You keep me sane while I am here, away from my comforts from home.
4. As much as we are still as close as we are, I feel that we are also growing apart, just as I feared.
5. Why do you hate him? It's not soley his fault. It was all of our fault. NOT. ALL. HIM.
6. ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? You are ruining many things with many people with the stupid desisions you are making with just one person.
7. Why are you still changing? You do not want to turn into the one person you fear the most.
8. I miss you and want to give you the biggest hug to make you feel better. I wish I can snap my fingers and give you what you despertately need: a place to call home.
9. No matter how many times you tell me it is amazing, I DO NOT like AT ALL Hannah Montana or High School Musical.
10. Untill I am bored enough and get the interest, I WILL NOT read and see anything Twilight related, so STOP PESTERING ME WITH IT!

Nine things about yourself:
1. I am a Masshole and proud.
2. Although people tell me otherwise, I am fat and its ok to use that word in front of me. It's not a swear.
3. Performing is one of the only times I am always happy.
4. I can read body languages between two other people, but between me and another person, my sixth sence is worth shit.
5. I'm trying to change an image that has been forced upon me for years back at home.
6. In high school, I was only respected for my talent.
7. One of things about home I miss the most is my cat (I LOVE YOU OREO!)
8. I have been in love only once, only to get my heart broken then not see him for almost 5 years.
9. I have never felt pretty.

Eight ways to win your heart:
1. Respect me from the start
2. Feel comfortable around me. I don't bite, I promise!
3. I hope you like fat. I have a lot of it! (lol)
4. See that I am a beautiful person on the inside, even though I thnk my outside needs to be worked on.
5. My family and friend must give you the seal of approval. If they do not liek you then something muct be up.
6. Respect my boundaries with my body. I do have morals for myself.
7. You can like any team you want, just DO NOT be a Yankees fan (lol).
8. Love me for me. That's all I ask.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:
1. Home
2. Songs, depends on the day which one.
3. How the world hates fat people.
4. How guys seem to just not see me in that way.
5. God, I need to exersise more!
6. I wish I had money to get things that I need (and possibly splurge on also)
7. I love my friends.

Six things you wish you never did:
1. Made the first move with someone
2. Fall in love with my best friend
3. Make fun of myself
4. Be so damn shy and a chicken at times
5. Be so damn lazy
6. The fact that I ALWAYS look for the good things in people, no matter how bad they really are.

Five turn offs in a guy/girl:
1. Disrespect towards me/ people I care about.
2. Drug use
3. Alcohol
4. Just doesnt care about hygene at all
5. No passion for at least one thing I am passionate about

Four turn-ons in a guy/girl:
1. Respect for me/ people I care about
2. Have some of the same interestes/passions as myself
3. Loving me who exactly who I am
4. Some sort of talent.

Three careers you would consider:
1. Actress/Singer/Perfomer
2. Techie
3. Stand-Up Comedy or Politics

Two things you want before you die:
1. Find my one true love
2. Perform on Broadway

One confession:
1. I am so afraid of rejection that I will do the thing that is easier in my mind, but not for the situation.

How Strong Do You Think I Am?

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 03:48:36 GMT

I have been told that going away from home and going into college is one of the most challenging adjustments a person can make.

For me it is part true and part not.

Part of my transition has been easy. I made a promise to myself to try to be more outging so I can meet new people outside of my comfort zones and I truely have. I have met some pretty amazing people and have made some great friends in the process. Also, I really feel like my fellow techies and just people within that department really have taken me in and kinda accepted me. It is really nice to know that.

Yes, I am currently having an issue or two with a couple of people, but that's ok. I just hope that one day they and I can come to an agreement and get along.

One of the most important things I value with people is respect. Because in the past, and the way people have treated me and not really have shown the respect I show them, it is very hard for me to trust people and really make a good judgement on them right away if they don't respect me. If someone treats me with respect and treats me like their equal right away, I very much enjoy being in their company and I get to like them very much as people. The first conversation that me and a person have, is kind of a test to see what this person thinks of me, and if its good, then it will be good for me.

Lately I have been screwing up kinda with a couple of people. I have made already very awkward moments, tension filled minutes, and many hidden glances (or are they?) just being in the same envioroment as them. I am trying here to make amends and keeping space becuase I do not want ANYONE to feel uncomfortable with me being there, I don't care if it makes me uncomfortable in the process. All I ask for is, something, ANYTHING to know that I am not hated and that you still respect me as a person.

Yes, I feel shitty about every negative thing that has happened between me and people (very few, fortunately), and I am trying.

All I know is that no matter who I am having tiffs with, I will still no matter what act like you are just some other person I know. I will still wave, smile and greet you when you pass by me, even if you don't aknowlege it. I will still treat you with respect and as a person, no matter weither we study, act, work, or just being in the same room together, and if you don't even treat me the same way. That's just me.

However, as much as I try to act like as if nothing happened, it still did and I regret SO MUCH for what I did, I'm still kicking myself. Part of me may act like I don't care, but there's still that bit thats eating me up, knowing that I fucked up.

All I want you people to know, is that I am trying, even if you are not.

For those, making this SO MUCH easier, thank you. I really appreciate all you guys do weither it is, giving me a sholder to cry on, an ear to talk to, diverting my mind from the problems, or just cheering me up when I am down. It's without a doubt, keeping me going through all this.

To those who I am having trouble with, I leave you with a quote from Alexz Johnson:

It's so hard to tell what's in your heart.
What you keep to yourself, is tearing me apart.
and should I be afraid to dream about you?
and if you feel the same, whatcha gonna do?
How far can we go before we break?, How long can I wait?
How strong do you think I am?
How much can I take of this?
Am I a rock or a rose or a fist, or a breath at the end of a kiss?
How deep do you wanna go?
Cause I'll go there if I can.
You make it harder than it has to be.
How strong, how strong, do you think I am?